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Ask a psychotherapist

May 2, 2013   ·   0 Comments

Question: I had a really great group of girlfriends all through high school and we stuck together during our first jobs and even until some of us started getting married. A couple of the girls aren’t even engaged yet but I still include them in nights out and I thought we were all good. I’m pregnant with my first baby now and lately, two of my single friends have stopped calling me. I’ve even heard that they’ve gone out with some of the others without me. I’m really hurt by this. What should I do?

Answer: Friendships can be both short and long-term sources of support. Sometimes the connections run so deep that they last a lifetime but in many cases, people “outgrow” friendships. This can happen due to the kind of life stage differences you are describing. As you experience marriage and motherhood, it can be difficult for some single friends to relate to your experiences. Perhaps because they are focussed, at this stage of their lives, on finding partners or exclusively on career development, they may not be as interested as other new mothers or moms-to-be on the whole new world that’s opening up to you.

Not infrequently, women find themselves developing a new set of friendships as they begin their families. These new relationships may emerge in the workplace with other expectant women or in pre-natal classes and other child-and-parent focussed venues. But even so, it can be painful to let go of friendships that have sustained you in earlier years.

While extending this caution that some friendships may not survive the transition to motherhood, I would urge you not to assume that this is happening in your case without first speaking to your friends. Find an opportunity to speak to each one individually, preferably face-to-face. In a direct, non-blaming manner, express your feelings about having been left out and ask why it happened. There may be another explanation.

Alison Kerr, Ph.D., Psychotherapist can be reached at 905 936-2400 or at allikerr@rogers.com

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